Saturday, 19 January 2013

Tampon Tango

The last review before he moves to his new place, awww but good riddance as he was staying in Julian's parents house after they were divorced so it was only a matter of time. Yea would would want to be with a guy who watches porn all day long and even reviews them on the internet when he doesn't even have a job you bum. Better yet because this review is also another porn movie this time from Japan which is even worse  than a regular one as these ones (Pink Films) try to include story.

Another porno from japan Brad and you use this as a sendoff before leaving, this video is kinda short compared to others but that's due to the movie itself as he mentions during the video. He starts off saying that this will be the last episode to be shot in that location and then starts remembering the good times he has had there. He flashes and say's did you think I was going to show you and then shows us a clip from nukie as that's how people will remember the house, "with a snot nose dripping turd alien dancing for starving African children".

The intro then rolls showing us clips of the movie or porno in question, he then say's that he want's to give a proper sendoff for us that will be perfect and classy. Yea he chooses a Japanese porno ........... thanks. He starts off the review and say's this is the last movie that you will want to find in your bathrooms trashcan, I can think of worse movies you know.
Damn right this is a worse movie
The director then starts talking about selling x-rated movies in the states and wanting to invade the USA and the video industry. Yea go ahead and flood the market with porn as if their isn't enough of it already. Snob replies saying that the story ends very sadly saying that he follow up was Dragon Wars. Ahem, Dragon Wars is a Korean movie and not Japanese so he's wrong on this one but he just mentioned some Asian movie and didn't think about it.
Dragon Wars is a good movie though
He continues and it shows a bunch of people having sex in phone booths and on the street. Brad then say's is this a normal day in japan, yea im pretty sure this is a normal day in japan except in this movie there isn't any man beasts and demons running around raping everything that moves.
The director of this trash continued to director and mad the 2006 film man, woman and the wall. Guessing that's another porno, he then say's a glory hole movie and that you don't need to see it and just go to any seedy bar downtown. Yea if you do you will probably find Brad and Jerrid occupying it.
The smallest black box he has ever put in a porno, well they are Asian ohhhhh. Brad say's you have heard of johnny wad and this here is Hasimoto needles, now that's funny.
He then continues poking fun at the movie and making jokes, why does a meteorite hit someone as this is really terrible. He shows us some guy doing you don't want to know what and moves on.
Dear God
A guy arrives at some woman's house and starts dancing like an idiot, brad then say's just add Gangnam style to it and it will be a hit. That is so true.
Japanese Gangnam Style
He say's if you are confused by this movies narrative, don't be as it doesn't have one. Yea pink films are basically a collection of sex scenes throwing in random story elements that don't make sense. I mean, did you watch his Entrails of a virgin review.
Quentin Tarantino presents
The video is coming to a close which is a good thing so I can stop typing, an orgy happens and brad say's "why is there no music in this orgy" which is a funny line to say as it's really random.
He say's they have been trying to sell him a house but the one he bought has no Japanese sluts in it. He then say's that if you get a bunch of Japanese people together it doesn't matter there's an orgy going on there is always going to be a parade. The movie then ends and so does this review, he ends saying that there was a surprising lack of tango in this movie, even the running time is tiny and how can he pad out the video now. He then shows a clip from I am legend who Will Smith copy's lines from Shrek.

Oh dear god, I am Legend. That's a really bad movie, I mean have you saw how bad the CGI is.
Howard the Duck has better Special Effects than this movie
He shaves some hair off his face which was pretty disgusting to watch, he puts it in a bag so he now has everything packed. Overall this was much better than the last episode which was pretty bad but this was a good video and had some laughs so finally a positive one. There were funny jokes, he made fun of the movie well and is a good sendoff video but it could have been longer but the main thing is that it had laughs which is why people watch his videos.

Video Link

Monday, 14 January 2013

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Another year of the Cinema Snob, Nooooooooo. Right off the bat how dare he review this movie, there isn't anything bad about it and it's one of the greatest movies ever made. I know the real reason, Texas Chainsaw 3D has recently been released and if he reviews another film of the franchise then he think that more people will watch his video which = $$$$$$$.

I had some problems trying to watch the video, don't know if anyone else had this problem but this happen multiple time I tried to play the video so I couldn't watch it till days later.
Thanks Blip, wouldn't have this problem on YouTube now would we
Overall the video wasn't that funny, it's mostly due to how can you make fun of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, he doesn't do it very well as most of his jokes aren't funny. There are a few laughs but just a few, the rest is pretty terrible even for him as any other video has more laughs so lets gets to why this video ain't any good but first something worst than the snob himself.
Oh my God and we have to watch ads before watching this terrible video
And no the Texas Chainsaw Massacre isn't a down home tale of the dramas of youth in the 1970's. Ugh he mentions one of his crappy movies hooker with a heart of gold, a terrible representation of how he and his friends sell themselves for money to live.
Another piece of shit movie to adding to their collection
He makes really lame jokes such as and remember these are comedic gold
At 02:02
"I don't ever remember hearing about this story 8 years before I was born"
At 02:12
"Invalid, that's a horrible name to call someone even if he does die"
At 03:48
"Pwe, this is my least favorite Michael Angelo statue after he switched to marble"
At 03:56
"Hey Gunnar Hansen is in this, isn't he the guy who played leather face in Texas chainsaw massacre"
At 04:42
"Almost as hilarious as me" (No he is not funny, well at least not anymore)
Catering for the Cinema Snob Movie I see

He mentions that the original title of the move was Head Cheese, where did he learn that IMDB. Mentioning Texas Chainsaw 3D, ugh only reason why he reviewed this movie which was a bad move for him. He continues making bad commentary over the clips and then cuts away to I don't know what the hell this is.
04:32, what the
He tries to make a joke about astrology but it isn't funny, he probably should have said something like this.
Jerrid Venus entered brad's Uranus and afterwards they got lost in an Oort cloud. At 07:57 he makes another bad joke.
"20 minutes in, not on Shakespeare reference, just saying."  
I think he's getting Shakespeare mixed up with porn again, just hope it ain't these guys.
The posters my favorite part
He tries to look into the background and then make a joke even if it isn't funny, did he even test these out to see if anyone laughs. I don't think so as barbecue coca cola wasn't funny, really just say it to yourself. It's not funny just stupid.
The next second he makes another terrible joke, can't he actually tell you what's going on in the movie for once. Since their is no gas in the gas station they have to wait till later and brad replies with
"No gas, you mean we drove all the way out here to the gulf for nothing"
Because there's oil in the Persian gulf, you know funny
There was a funny bit where I did laugh, it's at 09:06 where the guy in the wheelchair has a cigar in his mouth but it kinda looks like a piece of crap. Brad then says "I was hungry guy's I had to eat something", see funny due to him making fun of the way he talks but don't expect any more laughs. After he mentions that modern screen writers don't know how to write characters as now most are carbon copy stereotypes such as the jock, nerd etc. He again mentions 3D but yea we already know there is a new 3D movie, after he say's he got mixed up with the title of the film as he thought it was about a guy in Texas who likes to kill chainsaws. You do know that they aren't alive in the first place so you can't kill them, idiot.
Colonel Sanders, you know because of KFC and is that meant to be funny
When leather face puts the girl on the meat hook he say's the critic in me doesn't approve but what does that mean. He complains throughout the video about the sequels but everyone already knows that Hollywood loves to rape movies with sequels to rack in the dough.
And how the hell does this look like Johnny Knoxville
We all know that Johnny Knoxvilles best movie was men in black 2, terrible CGI.
He then plays music over the movie but that doesn't make it funny but stupid, I don't like Rob Zombie so don't ever mention his name in any of your reviews again. You do know that he made those horrible Halloween remake movies and they're bad, I mean real bad.
God awful terrible movie
He then cuts in clips of his cat and say's cuteness included but his cat is butt ugly.People also commented on the video about his cat. Why are people obsessed with his cat, god it's really annoying when anybody mentions it acting like it's the best thing ever. What haven't any of you seen a cat before, yea because we really need a cat on IMDB. Even if you try you should put it on INDB which is where most of you internet backwash belong.
Don't think he should have cut in a clip of his cat
It wasn't even funny, we just had to witness this skanky ass cat's face in the screen. I mean gross just look at the image above. He then does the same thing by cutting in himself and the ugliness shines through, I mean god just look at this screenshot I took of the video. Him doing that wasn't even funny but just nasty.
Brad don't ever put the camera that close to your face again
When this is happening he say's "I will eat a dead body if you get the camera out of my face", damn right he better as that image above is starting to creep me out. At the end he mentions about the other sequels that they pull stuff out of their asses that wasn't present in the movie, my personal sequel is The Next Generation with Matthew McConaughey but not Star Trek: The Next Generation. Thank god this review is over so I can stop typing all this text, hope you enjoyed reading so see you next time at the Cinema Snob Sucks Blog.
Best DVD cover ever
For the worst films of 2012 just remember to add The Cinema Snob Movie in there somewhere. I doubt anyone would watch the almost 1 hour 40 minutes that they rant about the movies. Terrible as that ain't time well spent, he could do a 20 minute video about the movies but then he would have to script dialogue and edit together a video but instead we get 1 hour + of unscripted dialogue. A shame really.

Video Link